Halo
by Tally Solleni
Summary: Akito is given an 'angel,' who is supposed to give him moral advice. But the term 'angel' can be somewhat relative.


Title: Halo

Genre: Humour

Rating: T

Summary: Written on a challenge, honest. Akito is given an 'angel' who will sit on his shoulder and give him advice. Unfortunately, the term 'angel' is somewhat relative.

Descriptors: Some usage of the word 'crap' near the end.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket or any related characters/places. I also do not own Galaxy Angel, Homestar Runner, or any related characters/places from either of them.

Author's Note: If you haven't seen the anime 'Galaxy Angel' (and I seriously doubt that anyone has), just treat Normad as an OC. I'm not sure if I managed to describe him correctly, so if you're curious about his appearance, visit the Wikipedia page for 'Galaxy Angel' and Ctrl+F 'Normad.' There's a picture of him there.

Also, this story contains some spoilers for volume 11 of the Fruits Basket manga. Proceed with caution.

WARNING! This story probably contains EXTREME stupidity. It also contains countless references to an obscure anime no one else cares about, and a web cartoon that you probably haven't seen.

To pretty much everyone reading this: do not consider this a serious story. It's my first attempt at writing something on a challenge.

And just so you know...this story is proof of why I should never write in the humour genre.

For the first time in his life, Akito struggled to be patient.

This is no small feat- partially because Akito was very unused to waiting, and partially because when a pink, fluffy, winged creature appears on your shoulder and begins talking in a robotic voice about conscience, goodness, and missiles, it is surprisingly difficult to listen.

For, indeed, this was the situation that had suddenly arose. One minute, Akito had been angsting as usual about random things; the next minute, the bizarre thing had popped into existence and began a lengthy rant.

The unidentified being was roughly the size and shape of an egg, or perhaps a penguin. Indeed, it also had red webbed feet, not unlike those of a penguin, flipper-like wings, and a beak. However, it also had pointed ears, like a cat; a thick, tapering tail, like a fox; and, to top it all off, it had a red 'z'-shaped marking on its stomach. It also had beady black eyes, which stared unblinkingly at Akito, as if daring him to challenge the thing's existence. A pair of obviously-fake wings were strapped to its back, with something that looked suspiciously like duct tape.

Akito wondered what Hatori had put into that new medication.

"Greetings," the apparent animal said suddenly. Its voice was high-pitched and tinny, with a definite metallic sound to it, but it also had a somewhat snobby quality. "I am MA347612890GT4078579132R74 malumalu Z17924398TZR two thousand moduler guidance type 452963752391MQTO gold launch system GLS installed self deciding type double 0 three seven 293165734285YGNKTIO1200YMCA4126PPPKG53 Normad, commonly referred to as merely 'Normad.' I have been sent here to-"

Akito hastily snatched up 'Normad' and threw him across the room. Normad's sentence was finished with a word that sounded something like 'waaaaaaaaaaaaaug.'

"Why did I accept this job?" Normad wondered aloud, remaining in the same position on the floor. "I should have guessed that you'd be as bad as Forte. Yet, for whatever reason, I expected you to be kind, quiet, demure. Oh, woe is me! I so miss the days when my precious Vanilla carried me everywhere, and protected me from people like you. What is this cruel world coming to? Is there no rest for the poor, weary souls who have lost their homes? Have all civilisations devolved into cold and heartless places, where the strong survive and the-"

"Do you _ever_ shut up?" Akito asked.

"How rude! It is no wonder that you require an outside conscience. Your current one must be working as poorly as an 8-track player in comparison to me." Normad paused. "Well, are you going to help me up or not?"

"What?"

"This body of mine is just a stuffed toy. I can't move it." Normad lay in silence, apparently trying to prove that he could not move.

"If you're just a stuffed toy, how can you talk?"

"I said that my body is stuffed. Cradled within my fluffy filling is the A.I. of an incredibly advanced missile-"

"You're a bomb?" Akito cried, backing up against the wall.

"No, I am not! Do you _ever_ listen? I am the artificial intelligence of a missile. I couldn't blow up now if I wanted to. This body doesn't contain any explosives whatsoever. Now, pick me up and I shall explain my purpose for gracing you with my presence."

Akito very cautiously lifted up the soft, frightening plush and set it, upright, on the floor. "Is that better?"

"No, it's not!" Normad whined. "This floor is cold. Put me on your shoulder."

Akito, struggling to hang onto his patience, placed Normad on his shoulder. "There. Now, why are you here?"

"Ahem. This is a lengthy and complicated story, so I will make it interesting and relevant by streaming sound files of a xylophone concerto in the background." A small clicking sound came from somewhere within Normad, and tinkling music began to play. "To begin, I am from another galaxy. I was a member of an elite military force known as the Galaxy Angel Brigade. We had one mission: finding the fabled Lost Technology of old, which would lead the entire galaxy into a period of peace, prosperity, and healthy fast-food restaurants."

"Healthy fast food?" Akito asked blankly. "Is that even possible?"

"Apparently, with the power of the Lost Technology, it was. Unfortunately, for some reason never adequately explored, we did not actually do much Lost Technology-finding. It was more like trimming people's hedges, training cats to use litterboxes, and a whole host of things I'd rather not go into detail about. At any rate, the government eventually figured out that we weren't finding the Lost Technology, and that led to something even more unpleasant than cat litter- _downsizing_. It was a dark day indeed for the Galaxy Angel Brigade, for I, Normad, was removed from the team. Now, I am forced to work for the Conscience Enforcement Agency at minimum wage, while my darling Vanilla lays awake at night in fear of what has happened to me. Will you not cry for me? Or are you, like my former co-workers, incapable of tears?"

"So, basically," Akito said finally, "You are an alien missile stuck inside a plushie, and you will now be my conscience?"

"Ahh...in layman's terms, I suppose that is it." Normadsounded slightlysurprised that Akito believed him."Well, now that that's cleared up, are you ready to be good?"

"I already am good. I'm _God_."

"Mmm-hmm. And it's exactly that kind of attitude that makes you need an outside conscience in the first place." Normad's eyes suddenly glowed red, and lasers shot out of both of them, leaving scorch marks on the ceiling. Akito's head jerked back out of reflex, causing him to hit his head against the wall.

"My first piece of advice," Normad began. "Don't sit so close to the wall."

"Advice noted," Akito responded, rubbing the back of his head.

"My second piece of advice: don't act so self-righteous. Being possessed by the spirit of the God does not automatically make everything you do 'holy.' On the contrary, it should be a motive for trying to behave in a manner befitting of God."

"What did you say?" Akito demanded, swatting Normad to the floor again.

"What a temper! If you don't pick me up again, I'll burn your nose off." Normad's eyes glowed threateningly. Akito hurriedly sat Normad on his shoulder again.

"Good." Normad's eyes returned to normal. "Don't you feel better after being nice?"

"Not really. I actually feel somewhat guilty, as if I've mended the broken limb of a man who has just murdered someone."

"This will take some work."

----------

Akito quickly discovered one thing: Normad was not going to be a quiet conscience. Quite the opposite- he never shut up, not even at night. Hatori later became rather confused as to why Akito was suddenly demanding larger and larger doses of sleeping medication.

After a few weeks, Akito began ignoring Normad's advice altogether, even when faced with urgent commands like 'get me out of the garbage disposal' or 'save me from this rabid dog.' In addition to being exceedingly unpleasant for Normad, this caused problems for Akito as well, since Normad sometimes (very infrequently) gave somewhat good advice. Or, at the very least, he tried to make things easier for the Zodiac members.

A good example would be a particular time when Kisa was sent in to see Akito. According to reports, she had accidentally been hugged on the way home from school; whether or not her tiger form had been seen was unknown. Akito advanced towards the trembling girl, his fist raised.

"Stop!" Normad cried out suddenly. "You're about to brutally attack a middle-school girl! That is most certainly _not_ moral!"

"It's not like I'm going to hit _you_," Akito hissed at his conscience.

"Huh?" Kisa enquired, apparently thinking that Akito had been addressing her.

"That is not the issue," Normad countered. "The fact is, I know how it feels to get beaten up, and I don't like it. I seriously doubt that she does, either. Heck, would _you_ want someone to hurt _you_? Of course not. Treat others as you would like to be treated."

"Why don't you just get out of here?" Akito snapped.

"Really?" Kisa quivered. "I can leave? You're not going to hit me?"

"Wait! I wasn't talking to-" Akito started, but Kisa was out of the door like a lightning bolt. Akito hurled Normad against the wall in frustration.

"Ow! Were you not listening? Didn't I tell you not to hurt people?" Normad complained.

----------

Akito's situation was not helped by the fact that Normad was only visible and audible to him. This actually didn't really change anyone else's opinion of him, as he merely appeared to be yelling at himself (the general assumption was that he had just gotten tired of shouting at everyone else). Still, Akito wished that someone else- anyone else- understood what he was going through.

Unfortunately, this wish was granted. One day, while Akito was complaining to Kureno as usual, a comment about Normad slipped out.

"...Always burning the food! She's almost as annoying as Normad," Akito lamented. At this, Normad launched into a very long lecture about respect for authority, to which Akito did not pay even a small bit of attention. Kureno frowned.

"Normad?" he enquired.

"Normad! My conscience! He's a fluffy pink thing that sits on my shoulder and whines about everything I do. He's terrible and bothersome, but I can't make him go away."

"..." Kureno gave Akito a very odd look. "I...see. Are you sure you're...ah...that you've been eating properly lately?"

"I'M NOT CRAZY!" Akito bellowed. "I JUST HAVE A PINK PENGUIN ON MY SHOULDER THAT TALKS TO ME!"

"How rude! I am not a penguin. I am a..." Normad trailed off. "Well, actually, I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to be. This stuffed animal is pretty confusing."

At that moment, Shigure poked his head into the room. "Excuse me, Akito. Did you just claim to have a creature on your shoulder that instructs you to behave in a particular way?"

"Yes," Akito grumbled.

"Well, I'll be. Tohru mentioned having something like that just the other day. Perhaps you should talk to her."

"Why would I want to talk to the _Gorgon_?" Akito demanded.

"Well, if you both have the same mental illn- erm, I mean, if you're going through the same ordeal, you might as well draw strength from one another and see what you have in common," Shigure attempted. "You can let your halluc- _tormentors_ socialise with one another."

"Hmph."

----------

"This is wonderful!" Normad said cheerily, as Akito waited for Tohru to arrive.

"In what way does this constitute 'wonderful?" Akito groused.

"Well, what if her conscience turns out to be my dearest, darling Vanilla? She was laid off at the same time I was, and for all I know, she joined the Conscience Enforcement Agency, too!"

"You're hoping to meet your 'true love' again? How sickening." Akito looked out the window. "As expected, the Gorgon is late."

"On the contrary, there are still 13.4 seconds remaining until the time specified, according to my internal clock."

"Shut up."

Finally, with 5 seconds remaining, Tohru entered the room. "Hello, Akito. Pardon the intrusion."

"Let's just cut to the chase," Akito interjected. "I've heard that you've been afflicted with an external conscience, too. Of course, as much of a goody-two-shoes as you are, I don't see why you need one."

"A conscience...? Hrm...I'm not sure if that's the best word for her," Tohru remarked thoughtfully. "I'm guessing that the thing on your shoulder is yours?"

"Huh?" Akito asked. "How can you-"

"People with outside consciences can see and hear the consciences of others," Normad whispered to Akito. "Thus, she can see me, and you can see her conscience."

"Oh. So, you can see him?" Akito asked, pointing at Normad.

"Yes. He's very cute," Tohru said.

"Well, if you can see Normad, why can't I see your conscience?"

"Erm...well...I put mine into my bag, so no one would be bothered..."

"You stuffed my cherished Vanilla into a bag as if she were a potato chip?" Normad cried out in anguish, readying his eye-lasers. "You fiend! I shall burn the hair from your vile scalp!"

"Burn the hair from her scalp? _Now_ you're speaking my language, Normad!" Akito cheered. "Make sure to burn it evenly on all the sides."

"Erm...his name isn't Vanilla," Tohru explained, looking somewhat frightened. She fished around in the bookbag, finally removing a small, winged...thing. "Meet...Strong Bad."

Strong Bad was an even more bizarre being than Normad. He appeared very vaguely humanoid; his huge, egg-shaped head was enveloped in what appeared to be a red wrestling mask, and he wore boxing gloves. He had a pencil-thin neck, attached to a rotund body. He did not appear to be wearing a shirt. From somewhere within the red mask he wore, green eyes glowed menacingly.

"Where the crap are we? And where are the 500 Cold Ones I was promised?" Strong Bad demanded. He spoke with a slight Spanish accent.

"Uh...about that...there are no 'Cold Ones' here. I made that up to make you come with me," Tohru explained.

"What? Well, what about the Swiss Cake Rolls, hot babes, and my enemies being roasted over bonfires like so many chestnuts at Christmastime?"

"Also lies."

"How did that thing become a conscience?" Akito whispered. "Its morals seem even weaker than yours, Normad."

"It's possible that this Tohru person is _too_ nice, and she's been assigned a sort of anti-conscience to toughen her up," Normad responded.

"Who are those people over there, then?" Strong Bad continued. "I mean, that pink one looks kinda like a Swiss Cake Roll."

"Sorry, but he's not," Tohru said apologetically.

"Well, if there's no Cold Ones, junk food, or chicks, _why_ the crap are we still here? For crap's sake, get me to an arcade or something, woman!"

"Uh...right away." Tohru waved at Akito and Normad, smiling weakly. "Sorry, but it seems that I have to find an...arcade. Good-bye." She placed Strong Bad back in the bag and started to exit, but suddenly, the room was filled with people wearing white. They quickly began attempting to force Tohru and Akito into straightjackets.

"Don't worry, both of you," Shigure said soothingly, in the sort of voice one uses to address a child. "These people are taking you to a good, safe place, where the mean old penguin and wrestleman can never, ever bother you again."

The End

----------

Challenged Akito Conscience Fanfic Result: A little bit of success...

Author's Note: Well, that was probably a waste of your time. To the person I took the challenge from- if I messed up your good idea, I'm sorry in advance.

By the way, Normad is a character from the Galaxy Angel anime. It's very obscure, but a favourite of mine.

Strong Bad, meanwhile, is from Homestar Runner, which is possibly the best web cartoon I have ever watched. Go thou and marvel.

Also, to those who are wondering when I will be releasing my fabled Tokyo Mew Mew series: I've finished all but the very last chapter, honest. I just haven't submitted it yet, due to my bizarre refusal to even begin submitting a series until it iscompletely finished. Please bear with me...


End file.
